Today has been such an odd day. I feel overwhelmed with thoughts and things to say and yet I can’t even begin to process them to the point where I could be able to form words. The only thing I can begin to make out of it all is the longing. There’s a part of me that feels so empty, but I don’t know why. I was so bored today laying in bed, but there were very few things that I was going to be willing to drag myself out for. What I really wanted was to be out doing a photo shoot, or going to visit the Casey’s to see Afton and meet Emery, or spending time with people that I feel good about spending time with… Like when I was doing sound of music last year- I loved it so much because I got to spend time with adults (like Amber…) and be treated like an adult. I love working with and socializing with adults… I loved volunteering in Lindsay’s classroom junior year, I loved working with Shanna on that shoot… but what does that even say about me? All three of those situations involved me being hopelessly in love with a woman I respected and thought was immensely talented, that I was never going to have to opportunity to be with. Similarly, I have this huge crush on Nic and am going to great lengths to try to get to LA to see her again…ugh. Why can’t I enjoy myself while still being my own person? I feel like to enjoy an experience it has to be tied in with some sort of romantic feelings towards someone. I mean, I hated 8th grade, the year I had Lindsay for a teacher, but I love the emotional memory I have of that year despite it having been so horrible. It’s like I thrive on the emotional pain. I just don’t get it. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. All I know is that right now all I want to do is stay in Des Moines, do more photoshoots, and try to find a reason to see Shanna again…. god, I don’t even want to blog about it because I’m practically ashamed of how stupid and immature I am. Why do I develop a fucking crush on every beautiful, talented woman I meet that is willing to give me the time of day in even the most basic of ways. I mean, I still have half a crush on a woman I now refer to as my aunt, for godsake!! And that started when I was SIX. I’m a fucking serial crusher. I don’t even know.
Not only that, but I’ve just finally gotten used to living at home again and now I have to go BACK to school.
I can’t even handle blogging about this anymore so I’m just going to wrap this up here.
So honestly this ^ sums up a lot of my day. I have a massive crush. What else is new?
I didn’t do a whole lot today, because I’m still horribly sore. But, I know for a fact if I do TRX over the summer now that I will be TOTALLY ripped. My abs area already looking more toned after only one class, and considering I couldn’t even sit up in bed properly until a few hours ago, they damn well ought to be. I didn’t even go to yoga tonight with mom like I was supposed to. Anyway, I don’t have much else to say about today so I’m signing off and heading to bed.
EDIT: OMG AND LINDSAY HAD HER BABY!! It’s name is Emery and she’s absolutely precious and I can’t wait to meet her ❤
You know, it occurred to me today that almost every single year one of my new years resolutions is to do daily blogs. Will 2013 be the year I finally keep it up? I mean, if I would just use the same blog every time I try to restart the whole thing I’d have quite the collection of entries by now, but of course I have to start a new blog every single time. Though I did use the blog I intended to use for my trip to Europe for this one, so I suppose that’s a start. Anyway, I’m rambling. Mostly because I didn’t do a whole lot today, I suppose. Though I did get to see Brenna, who I’ve missed terribly! We’ve been friends since like the 9th grade even though we’ve known each other since like 5th. Though, back then I was hyper & annoying and she was shy & quiet so we never talked to each other during dance classes, haha. It was great getting to catch up with her and hear all about her college shenanigans. Boy, time sure does fly! One minute she’s all nervous about me sneaking into a club (sophomore year) with a bunch of college kids, and the next she’s partying like a thousand times more than me while I sit on my ass and do nothing. Love her to pieces.
So I literally cannot remember a time where I have ever been this sore, thanks to that TRX class with Katie yesterday. I literally rolled out of bed this morning…and all afternoon. It’s killer. I thought going to the mall with Brenna would help since it would force me to move around, but it didn’t seem to help much more than the ibuprofen did (which was not at all). Yoga tomorrow should be quite interesting. I’ll definitely have to keep doing TRX. I think they might have it at school, but if not I’ll definitely be doing it over the summer with Katie.
In other news, the exchange student we had my junior year, Alice, sent us a bunch of Belgian chocolate for Christmas!!! We just got it in the mail today and I freaked out. Yum!
Wow, I’m so exhausted from today that I’m already wanting to cheat on my daily blogging. I went to bed at like 8 last night so I’ve been up since 6 AM. Somehow I still managed to end up being 5 minutes late to the fake gay wedding shoot I was doing with Katie at 10, haha. It was fine though, because the woman I was shooting with, Shanna, wasn’t getting there until 10:30 anyway. When she did though…WOW. She was beautiful. I had the worst case of nervous dry mouth ever and I turned back into shy little girl for about 45 minutes. Thankfully hair and makeup took about an hour and a half, so I had approximately 45 more minutes to chit chat with her and all that jazz. The shoot was long but went fabulously. Draping myself all over a beautiful women — such a hard days work! ;)
After that I went over to Katie’s to watch her edit them and play with her babyboo Cael. We went to a TRX class and a pole strength training class at the gym, which was SUPER exhausting. I’m going to be so sore tomorrow! I really liked it though. I liked it way better than yoga and Pilates, anyway. I think I might do it over the summer! I’ll get into real good shape then. We shall see!
Wow, I really am quite horrible at remembering to keep up with personal blogs. Sorry for disappearing on you all! I would go back and detail everything that’s happened in my life since my last post, but that would literally be 6 months worth of review and that just isn’t going to happen. Time to start anew!
Well, mostly anyway. I suppose I should update you at least a little bit. The last half of 2012 was not a great time for me. I spent a lot of time living for someone else, and sacrificing (or nearly sacrificing) so many things that are so important to me. Like my CAREER! I have since, though only recently, freed myself from those chains and I’m ready to take on 2013 with the passion and dedication I was missing for so much of 2013. This year is going to be a year where I focus on ME!
I have quite a few goals for the coming year, the first of which being to TRACK MY PROGRESS with this blog ;) Here are some of the others-
I have a fake-gay wedding photo shoot tomorrow- modeling being the first new-ish interest I will be dedicating myself to this year. I did a shoot with the same photographer last week-
Now I’m off to bed! I need to be fresh faced in the morning, and I’m exhausted.
Okay, so that’s a bit overly dramatic, but I’m still really nervous. I have to quit either tomorrow or Tuesday. I hope one of those days ends up being a really bad behavior day so I can just be like “LOOK AT ALL THE SH**S I GIVE! YOU SEE ANY? NO! NONE! BUHBYE!” and it will be relieving and I will not feel guilty. Who knows though, maybe Mrs. S is planning on letting me go anyway…which would probably still make me cry but at least I wouldn’t have to be the one to bring it up. I think I’m just going to hand her the key and carseat (and then explain myself) if she doesn’t give me an in by suggesting we discuss the details about August. UGHHH.
On the [mostly] bright side, I will be in Europe at this time next week! :)
Remember how I said that I’d be nannying again in August? Sooo not happening anymore. I literally sat down and wrote my letter of resignation in a fit of frustration yesterday because the kids just would NOT listen. They have no respect for me. I cannot be responsible for children who don’t respect me and won’t listen to me- it’s not safe for them and it’s not healthy for me. At first I was worried that Mrs. S was going to be mad that I was leaving them shorthanded (though this is giving them a six and a half week notice before they need another caregiver, which is entirely reasonable) but after the way she was talking to the kids yesterday after I told her we didn’t have a good listening day, I don’t think she’ll mind.—
“We only have five more days until I’m done with work, and we cannot have five more days of THIS… I dread coming home each day to find out what went wrong every day…. We have never had this many problems with a babysitter or an au pair before…”
Granted, all of that was softened with statements about how the kids need to make better choices and listen better, but still- a pretty obvious reflection of how she thinks things are going.
This was pretty much just the worst fit in the world… Mrs. S described their family as “pretty relaxed” and the kids as “Easy kids. They listen well and are used to having new caregivers in the home.” Let me tell you, all of those things are NOT accurate. The kids need someone who is able to be much more [convincingly] firm, resist when they gang up on them, and generally just command more respect and authority. And it would also help if they weren’t intimidated by Mrs. P…that’s definitely not been helpful in this whole scenario. I didn’t tell her when the kids weren’t listening very well the first two weeks because, one, I thought it would get better, and two, she always seemed to get really annoyed when things didn’t go perfectly. She’d be so passive-aggressive about it too…but I suppose I prefer that to being confrontational about her anger because I probably would come home crying like, every single day, seeing as she does that angry teacher thing that makes me cry every time. I feel like she’s scolding me for getting an F on a test!! Ugh.
The only things getting me through this is knowing that there’s only a few days left and that I will be in Europe in only 11 days time. Three weeks there, then off to New York, then off to Table Rock Lake in Missouri. I’m going to be gone basically all of July, haha!
Oh, and as for the title of this post- I’ve literally started to have nightmares about this now!
I begin this blog with the details of the beginning of my summer-so-far.
Getting this job nannying is probably one of my number one regrets, because these particular kids stress me out SO much and I come home and have a fever pretty much every weekend. They run down my patience, my energy, and my health. Not to say that they’re bad kids or anything; its just TOO much. I honestly will probably never nanny again unless I really get along with the parents AND their children are really young. Like, preferably younger then 5. If only these children loved me as much as Afton and Evan do…life would be so much easier. In conclusion- really glad I only have to do a half week, one full week, and another half week in August. As soon as those kids are back in school on August 16th, I am SOOOO done. I’d like to spend my last week before leaving for college with my family.
In other news, I leave for Europe in 13 days!! I cannot believe its almost here. This trip has been in the planning stages for so long that it was starting to feel like it would never come, but it finally almost has!! Today I’m going to start packing and mom and I are going to go shopping and look for everything. I need to get more electrolyte supplements for POTS emergencies, some melatonin for the flight, and a better airplane pillow. I’m also debating getting a pancake lens for my Lumix. Actually, I was debating before but now I think I’m definitely going to get it. And I need to get a mophie juice pack! Yesterday I got Yannic this little gem from Raygun-
It will be entirely perfect, and I’m thoroughly excited to give it to him. Now I just have to get a host gift for his sister, Tami, and one for Alice.
Germany, Belgium, and Spain- here I come!